Le Movie

I read last week that Hollywood is planning a movie
about Lance Armstrong, starring Matt Damon. It's

bound to be the kind of memorable epic that only

Tinseltown can produce. Like Gigli or Flintstones 2:

Viva Rock Vegas.

The Lance biopic isn't due until 2006, but I've taken
the liberty of coming up with a screenplay and some
casting suggestions.

My pick for Lance's girlfriend Sheryl Crow is Halle
Berry. She'll attract the 18-49 males and look great in
a straw cowboy hat.

Portraying Lance's sidekick, George Hincapie:

Snoop Dogg. He'll deliver comic relief and the hip-hop
demographic.

Lance's archrival Jan Ullrich will be played by Arnold
Schwarzenegger, on sabbatical from his role as
governator of California.

Here, in a world exclusive, is a peek at my screenplay.

Setting: The Alps, Tour de France. Thousands of fans
line the roadside. Climbing toward the camera are
Armstrong and Ullrich, followed by Hincapie.

Ullrich: You'll win your sixth Tour over my dead body,
Armstrong.

Armstrong: Whatever it takes.

(Ullrich jams his pump into Armstrong's front wheel.
Armstrong crashes.)

Ullrich: Hasta la vista, Lancey!

Armstrong (clutching his bleeding head): Sheryl... yo,
Sheryllllll!

Hincapie: L-Dawg! What up? Not you, that's for sure.

Crow (appears from the crowd, sobbing): Oh, Lance, you
can't go on. Leave this madness behind and come back to
Austin with me. All I want to do is have some fun. I've
got a feeling I'm not the only one.

Armstrong: I can't quit now. Can't you see: It's not
about the bike. It's about inspiring anyone who's ever
been diagnosed with a fatal disease. Or wanted to buy a
Subaru.

(Armstrong remounts, storms past Ullrich and locks up
his historic 6th Tour win.)

Ullrich (hurling his bike to the ground): I'll be back!