Perform or perish

Anna Candler says no good can come of annual reviews

Among my corporate achievements the one I am quietly proudest of has been my ability to avoid my performance reviews. Call me a slow learner – it took three appraisals before I learned that nothing good ever came of partaking in this activity.

The performance review is high on everyone’s list of annualised torment. In theory, it is supposed to be a positive interaction between your “coach” and you, working together to maximise your abilities. In reality it is a way of obtaining a signed confession of your crimes against corporate efficiencies and office productivity. It helps justify your low salary.

Ostensibly, the review process requires you to rate yourself on a scale of one to five on a range of issues. This means you can portray yourself in one of two ways. The first is as a self-effacing nobody dumb enough to list weaknesses that can and will be used against you. The second is as a self-promoting egomaniac who thinks no means yes and insults are a hidden way for your colleagues to convey their affection for you.

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