Office Wisdom

1. Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

2. Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

3. There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.

4. Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.

5. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.

6. Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow.

7. Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think.

8. Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!

9. Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.

10. If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

11. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

12. If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.

13. If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

14. You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.

15. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

16. Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

17. There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug cock', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.

18. Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.

19. If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.

20. A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else’s?

21. Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?

22. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.

23. Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.